getyourgoodnews/JasonTanamor

I grew up in the ‘80’s, listening to hair bands and monster guitar solos. The
fancy, melodic guitar solos were why I decided to play guitar. I used to
think that great guitar playing stopped with the Aqua Net era. Now, in 2010,
solos seem to be coming back.

One of my favorite guitar players was Reb Beach, from the band Winger.
The band’s biggest hit was “Seventeen.” Its solo was so fantastically
awesome that I still can’t play it today. But like the quarterbacks of football
teams, the only ones that ever received attention were lead singers. So,
having said that, I wanted to be Kip Winger, the front man to which the band
was named.

I figured, he played guitar (kind of), and that is what I held on to as
justification purposes of getting, what I thought at the time, a kick ass Kip
Winger perm. I remember cutting out a picture of Kip Winger from a “Metal
Edge” magazine I had purchased at the local 7-11.

For a long time, like the scene in “Rocky IV,” where Rocky had a picture of
Ivan Drago pinned up on his mirror as a reminder of what Drago did to his
best friend Creed, I Scotch taped Kip Winger’s pic on my mirror, building up
the courage to make an appointment at the local hair salon. My mother
suggested a fancy one called Sears. So that is where I went.

Once I did, with Kip Winger’s perm picture in tow, I headed out to a
clandestine meeting with Vera, the hair “stylist” who had worked at
Penney’s for 3 years, as indicated by her badge. I thought, “Well, she IS a
professional. I can see her credentials on her badge.”

So, I sat in the chair and let her do her magic. I say magic because hair
“stylists” like to ACT like they are magicians. The entire time, your back is
to the mirror while she dances around you with sticky fingers filled with gel
of some sort, only to swing your chair around and say, TADA!” When you
look up at yourself, the displayed satisfaction always comes to fruition in
the form of a tip and a smile. Then, once you exit the premises, you bitch
to yourself while fixing your hair in the rear view mirror, only to make an
appointment with her again in 5 weeks.

During the perm debacle, I held on to this picture dreaming, hoping that I,
too, would look like Kip Winger. I thought, “My guitar, my perm, that’s right,
all the chicks would dig me.”

I should’ve known better of the result when I sat next to an elderly woman
with rollers in her hair and a huge popcorn bowl on top of her head. But I
was so mesmerized by what I would look like I didn’t even pay attention to
what transpired up to this moment. Think Ralphie from “A Christmas Story”
as he stared at the Red Ryder BB gun.

Rewinding back to when I first arrived, the stylist asked, “What can we do
for you today?” I must say that my hair was long, almost down to my ribs. I
handed her the picture and said, “I want to look like Kip Winger.” She said,
“ALL RIGHT,” with fake enthusiasm knowing that she was going to squeeze
out at least $40 dollars from me. In her mind, actually, was probably
something similar to, “another perm.”

When I returned to the chair, positioned so my back would be to the mirror,
my thoughts saying over and over, “This is it, this is it,” I could not wait until
Kip Winger’s perm was a reality.

With excitement, the stylist said, “THIS is it,” in an overly enthusiastic feign
in her voice.

Like a really bad magic trick, waiting for that TADA moment, she swung
me around, so that I can see my Kip Winger perm. I looked up, a big smile
on my face quickly turning to disgust, and said, “This is IT?”

“What do you think?” she asked.

I thought, “I look like Greg Brady.” My perm, keep in mind my hair was
once down to my ribs, was so high and so thick, that when I turned my
head, there was a 2 second delay for my hair to turn with me. While I was
turning my head left, my perm was still looking straight for 2 seconds.

Needless to say, I never did get that Kip Winger perm, nor did I get any
girls. And what made matters worse, it was right about the time of senior
high school pictures. I was, forever stamped, as Greg Brady.

Read more:
http://www.zoiksonline.com/2010/03/searching-for-kip-wingers-perm-hello.ht
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PREVIOUS COLUMN: All I want for 2010 is my Lindsay Lohan back

Train wrecks are what make entertainment news worth reading. Otherwise,
you’d just be reading about weddings and movie premieres. In a recent
story at People.com titled “Lindsay Lohan Launches a Drama-Free 2010,”
the once upon a time innocent child actor Tweeted that she is ready for a
drama free year.

Her tweet stated, “2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving
the bad (people, habbits [sic], and negative energy behind) time to make
changes-right!?!? :)”

R-r-r-right.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people doing better for themselves. But
c’mon. That’s why we read stories about celebrities. We love Tiger Woods
cheating on his wife, Charlie Sheen beating up his wife, and Lindsay Lohan
pictures where she’s half alert in a drug/alcohol induced daze.

These stories and images make us feel better about ourselves. So, for
Lindsay Lohan to want to have a drama filled 2010, it only puts a bigger
microscope on her as now she has to tip toe on egg shells to NOT be a
part of the media in a negative way.

What I do love about the troubled actress is her effort in changing. Because
that is what a new year is about – change.

Of course, she could always make a movie.

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the
novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at
jason@zoiksonline.com.

Watch out for anti-American messages via Twitter

By Jason Tanamor

If the threat of terrorism isn’t enough, now we have to be on the lookout for
anti-American messages via Twitter. In an article at BBC News it appears
that “a group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army has hacked Twitter and
an Iranian opposition website, replacing it with an anti-American message.”

I was wondering why, in between my ‘Tiger Woods Mistresses Versus
Majors’ tweets and my “30 Rock” recap tweets, there were these unusual
messages. According to the article, “This site has been hacked by the
Iranian Cyber Army… The message, written in confused English, said the
hackers had turned the tables on the US, who they criticize for sanctions
on Iran.”

Has it gotten to the point that 140 word limit tweets can turn a person’s
thinking of the US? After all, the “hackers had turned the tables on the US.”

Just to make sure, I wanted to check into this:

“OK, I’m finally going to see “Avatar.””
7 minutes from Dave

“And yet another hooch has come out saying she slept with Tiger Woods.”
14 minutes from PGA Golf Pro mpickelson

“HA HA, now we will send our messages of anti-Americanism your way via
the popular networking site Twitter. See how inconvenient this can be –“
17 minutes from Iranian Cyber Army

“I’m pooping.”
23 minutes from bzerull

“when you get a notice that a new tweet is on your phone or from one of the
people you are following. You will be wondering who this is from –“
24 minutes from Iranian Cyber Army

“Went out to dinner at Taco Bell. Saw George Lopez eating chimichanga!”
28 minutes from CarrotTopFan!

“is it from Tiger Woods Mistresses Versus Majors or from Bill from Omaha
telling us that he just got off the plane and it is s-s-s-s-snowing.”
32 minutes from Iranian Cyber Army

There you have it folks. How annoying this can be. I can’t wait to see what
they come up with next.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the
novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at
jason@zoiksonline.com.

Men, grab your favorite Heidi Klum picture. It’s now over. You’ll need to
throw it out.

Heidi Klum received a “Kiss from a Rose” by her husband Seal. In an article
at People.com the Victoria’s Secret model reportedly took the singer’s last
name on Friday, November 20, 2009.

According to the story, “In her filing, Klum, 36, gave a one-word reason for
the change: Marriage.” And although the couple tied the knot four years
ago, it wasn’t until now Klum decided to change her name.

Even when Klum was married, it was easy to separate her from her
marriage to Seal. Now, not so much. So, men, when you’re dreaming of
Heidi Klum, please now call her Heidi Seal. Who also has four children.
And is married to Seal.

It’s time to throw away that Victoria’s Secret catalog.

OK, use it one more time.

Now throw it out.

copyright 2009 Jason Tanamor / for getyourgoodnews.com

PREVIOUS COLUMN:
The REAL reason for Tiger Woods' car accident revealed

Tiger Woods’ one car accident has hit the news wires non-stop since it
happened. In an article at People.com titled, “Questions Surround Tiger
Woods's Accident,” Woods’ SUV apparently hit a fire hydrant and a tree
just feet from his home. The article asked, “Where was he going at that
hour?”

The answer? Who cares?

The People.com story also said, “The accident came two days after the
‘National Enquirer’ published a story alleging that Woods had been seeing
another woman. The report alleged that he was even recently with the New
York night club hostess, Rachel Uchitel, in Melbourne, where Woods
competed in the Australian Masters.” Since then, countless other stories
have emerged about alleged mistresses and Tiger has admitted guilt --
although vaguely -- in an apology.

But we still don't know the reason behind the car crash.

Does the story suggest he was going to see his mistress? Or did Woods’
wife find out and after a domestic argument, Woods jumped into his car and
drove out of his driveway and got into an accident?

Who knows? One can only speculate.

So, this is what I think happened.

Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the world. Although he is the greatest to
ever play the game, he’s not perfect. His driving accuracy was only 64.29%,
according to PGATour.com, tied for number 86 in 2009.

So, why is anyone surprised that Tiger Woods got into a one car accident
while he was DRIVING? C’mon, he pulled out of his driveway and hit a fire
hydrant and tree near his neighbor’s house. That’s like Woods shanking a
ball into the woods. How many times have you seen that before? Woods’
drives ended up in the trees and were so bad at one point, he should’ve
changed his name to Tiger Fairway. Maybe he would’ve had better luck.

If Tiger Woods got into this one accident as a result of his driving, then
that’s a great percentage, over 95%. He needs to translate that percentage
onto the golf course. Now, if Woods drove into a tree 36% of the time, then
this wouldn’t even be a story.

He’d just have to call his driving instructor to work on his steering.

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the
novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at
jason@zoiksonline.com.

PREVIOUS COLUMN:
Nicolas Cage in `The Search For Money'

I can see it now: Nicolas Cage stars in “National Treasure 3: The Search for
Money.” Why do I see this? Well, in an article at People.com titled,
“Accountant: Nicolas Cage Was 'Compulsive' Spender,” it looks as if the
movie star needs money – a lot of it.

According to the article, “While Nicholas Cage is claiming that bad money
management is behind his financial collapse, the former accountant who
worked with the star claims that it's Cage who is to blame for his own ruin.”

The article goes on to show exactly what Cage bought during his time with
money. “According to Levin (Cage’s financial advisor), in 2007 the ‘National
Treasure’ star purchased three homes at more than $33 million; 22 cars,
including nine Rolls Royces; 12 purchases of expensive jewelry and 47
pieces of artwork.”

Apparently, Cage also spent lots and lots of moolah taking his MC
Hammer-like entourage out. You could say he’s too legit to quit – hey hey!

So, the need to make a third installment of the hit movie, “National
Treasure” may just be the answer. But what would the plot consist of?

The first one revolved around the Declaration of Independence. The second
movie, “National Treasure: Book of Secrets” found its plot around the
assassination of Abraham Lincoln. What could possibly top these two
plots?

I know.

The United States could invade Iraq in search for a terrorist who attacked
the Washington Monument. The country’s President, played by Denzel
Washington, could divert the citizens’ attention into thinking the person
responsible for the Washington Monument attack is someone other than
the actual person. Then, they could play on this tragedy when really they
are going after oil, I mean, money.

Coming as soon as possible: “National Treasure: The Search for Oil, I
mean, Money.”

PREVIOUS COLUMN:

THIS JUST IN!!!!!

This is Dawn Conchita Cucheres Alonzo Freeman reporting live. Early this morning at 9:50
a.m., an estranged man, believed to be the husband of a wife that works on the second
floor, walked into the office building of Henderson and Associates.

Distraught by the small argument he had with his wife of nearly
three months on the evening of August 11th, Joseph S. McKinley displayed great emotion
to Linda McKinley, in the form of yellings, screamings, rantings, and ravings.

"That was my video tape you recorded over," he screamed, as spectators watched in
horror. It was reported by the mail room worker that Linda McKinley, of somewhere near
the Oaktown Mall on 66th St., broke down in what appeared to be tears. Other various
bystanders relayed the same scene, as I wait for a police official for any further
information. (30 seconds pass.)

This just in, from the news desk at the studio that pays my rent, I am informed that the
bystanders are not, in fact, bystanders, but merely just standers. None of the witnesses
are bisexual. Once again, the onlookers are classified as standers. Not bystanders. (30
seconds pass.)

I have here one of the employees who managed to escape without being yelled at.

"Sir, what relationship do you have with Mrs. McKinley?"

"I sit in the cubicle next to her," reports the man with great relief.

"How were you able to escape this horrific ordeal?"

"Thankfully, those two La Vida Mochas at the Ricky Martin Cafe I drank before workled me
to the men's room on the third floor."

"And it was there you heard the vicious words of Mr. McKinley?"

"Yes, he said something about Linda taping over the reunion episode of `Growing Pains.'
I'm just happy to be standing here with you."

Right now I'd like to divert your attention to the front door of the office building. Francis
Leamon, the owner of the hot dog stand just on
the foot of the sidewalk, confesses that Mr. McKinley purchased a Polish sausage minutes
before the office confrontation. Let's see if I can collect a few statements from Mr.
Leamon. (Running to Mr. Leamon.)

"Mr. Leamon, Mr. Leamon," I gasp, noticing that my overweight camera man is yards
behind me. "You sold Mr. McKinley a hot dog just
prior to him wandering into Henderson and Associates."

"Yes I did," Mr. Leamon remarks, showing obvious distress.

"Did you have any idea that Mr. McKinley would commit such a harsh action?"

"Not at all. He was so kind. He tipped me almost 75 percent. It just goes to show that you
can never judge a book by its cover." (Francis
leaves) That was Francis Leamon, owner of Frank's franks, a hot dog stand that does
business only feet away from the office building of Henderson and Associates. I am still
waiting for more news on this quiet day turned upside down. (30 seconds pass.)

Once again, the only news I have for you is that Joseph S. McKinley barged into his wife's
office, at approximately 9:50 a.m., and
began yelling obscenities and other degenerate remarks. He was perturbed about his wife
recording over the reunion show of ``Growing Pains.''

For those of you that aren't aware of the ``Growing Pains'' series, it starred Alan Thicke
as Dr. Jason Seaver. He had a private practice in his home, while his wife, Maggie Malone,
played by Johanna Kerns, and kids Mike, Carol, Ben, and Chrissy, shared different trials
and tribulations to become one of the most loved families in television history. Ironically, it
was Maggie Malone's character that inspired me to become a news reporter.

At this time, it is unknown if Alan Thicke, or any other of the actors, played a part in this
office shouting. One can only assume no. That's
the late breaking story on this sunny day of August 12th. Speaking of sunny days, while I
am waiting for more on this story, here's Samuel
Givens with today's forecast. Samuel. (Nine minutes go by, due to the overjoyed Samuel
Givens and his outlook on the weather.)

This is Dawn Conchita Cucheres Alonzo Freeman reporting live again at the office building
of Henderson and Associates. Since my last report, I've learned that Mr. Joseph S.
McKinley has been taken into custody by the Oaktown police. He was found with no lewd
materials, leading the police to believe that all lewd materials were used in the office
shouting of one, Linda McKinley, wife of the estranged man.

Medical examiners said that Mrs. McKinley will fully recover. She only suffered swelling
eyes, public humiliation, and dried tears highlighted by Covergirl eye liner. A spokesperson
of Henderson and Associates told me that she was a telemarketer in the process of
selling a two-year subscription to Cat Lover magazine.

After this episode presented itself, the caller hung up. This was an unfortunate situation,
because without the sale, Mrs. McKinley does not qualify for the trip to the Bahamas. But
for safety's sake, this ending is certainly a happy one.

This is Dawn Conchita Cucheres Alonzo Freeman for W.H.A.T., and now back to Clarence
in the studio for the joke of the day. (As the camera fades out, Mrs. Linda McKinley exits
the building with a troubled expression. It is unclear if the lashing from her husband
caused this, or it was due to losing a six percent commission on the sale of Cat Lover
magazine.)

copyright 2009 Jason Tanamor